Marriage That Give Life

Team Man and Woman

In considering marriage we need to start with God’s heart for men and women before marriage. If we are who we have been created to be before marriage we will be better placed to have a marriage as God intended it to be. When God created Man and Women he had an intention in His heart as to who they should be and what they should do. He created them for a definite purpose with clearly defined positions to enable them to fulfil that purpose. Men and women were created to be a team from the very beginning, a team that would glorify God as they lived together in perfect harmony.

Genesis reveals that men and women were created with the ability to make their own sovereign choices but they were never meant to use that ability to carve out their own self satisfying independent lifestyle. The concept that I am my own person with my own independent life which I have a right to live in the way I want to live it, including my Christian life, which nobody should deny me does not come from God. It is a result of sin and the self centeredness that it brought into the human race. Men and women were made for God not for themselves and as Christians that is even more so. Paul clearly tells us in 1 Cor 16:19 – 20The churches of Asia greet you. Aquila and Priscilla greet you heartily in the Lord, with the church that is in their house. All the brethren greet you.

Greet one another with a holy kiss. that we are not our own we have been bought with a price and we belong to God.

In the Godhead there is distinction and oneness but never independence and we are made in that image as men and women both individually and together. The root purpose that God created men and women to fulfil is the same whatever status they may attain in the society they inhabit. What we do does not define who we are. Who we are guides us into what we do and how we do it. Whatever we become in life we are first meant to be a man or a woman as God intended us to be. The Father Son and Holy Spirit are all fully God but their roles of being God are different. However they express themselves never changes who they are. The Father never takes on the role of the Son but He is present in the role of the Son. The Holy Spirit never takes on the roles of the Father or the Son but He is present in their roles because they are one in three, three in one. John 3:11Most assuredly, I say to you, We speak what We know and testify what We have seen, and you do not receive Our witness. tells us of a conversation between two separately identifiable men, Jesus and Nicodemus. During this encounter one of the men, Jesus, includes the other two persons of the Godhead in the conversation when He says to Nicodemus ‘We speak of what We know but you do not receive Our testimony’. Clearly we have here the Godhead conversing with the man Nicodemus. Water is water whether it manifests itself as ice, liquid or steam, it is always water. The different forms of water give it different purposes but whatever the uses it is always water. So it is with men and women. As people develop they take on very different roles and positions in society. Some rise to very high positions but whatever they take on they are always supposed to be first a man or a women as God intended them to be. God would not be complete if each was not present in each other’s roles and men and women are not complete unless they are part of each other even though they have been made separate beings. This reveals that the transition of men and women from being single to being married should be a much easier transition than many experience. The real difference between the married state and the single state is the exclusiveness, intimacy, responsibilities and privileges the married state allows them to enter which are not part of the lives of those who are single. If we want marriage as God intended it to be then men and women need to be relating to each other the way God intended them to relate before they get married.

One of the biggest issues couples face when they get married are the conflicts which arise from their independent single lifestyles. They have had very little experience of relating to each other by understanding how their differences are supposed to work in harmony as God intended they should, before they became married. If they had learnt how to make those different but complementary lifestyles blend together before they got married then many of the issues which arise from trying to make their independent lives blend together while at the same time trying not to lose their independence would not arise and there would be far fewer divorces among the people of God. If men learnt how to care and protect women and if women learnt how to be suitable helpers to men instead of each developing their own independent and often conflicting lifestyles that don’t relate to gender many of the issues that bring division would never arise. It is when each gender gives themselves to being 100% the person God intended them to be that they fully complement each other in the task of being in charge of the affairs of earth, just like the trinity. Sadly the church has never really given much space or teaching to this aspect of our life together as men and women whatever marital status or position in the kingdom of God we occupy. Before marriage children, youth and early adults tend to socialise more with their own gender until they develop a romantic interest with the opposite gender. The role models of the adult generation they grow up with during their formative years is often not very helpful. Imagine the impact on children if instead of sex education in schools there was ‘how to understand the differences between men and women’, ‘how to care and support each other’ and ‘how to value the different characteristics of the opposite gender’ education classes. Today we have so effectively destroyed God’s original plan that the part of our relationship which should only happen as the climax of being drawn together into the exclusive relationship of marriage, the bonding of sexual intercourse, is all too often part of the beginning of our romantic encounters instead of the climax of entering into the covenant of marriage.

The Church Scene

When we consider men and women in the church we tend to divide them into two groups, married or single. There is plenty of teaching on married life and plenty of teaching on single life but what about men and women working together as the team God intended them to be, married or not. The teaching about men and women who are not married to each other tends to be more about what they shouldn’t do rather than how they can work together. We have men’s groups and women’s groups and singles groups. We say men must only council men and women must only council women and other terms and conditions apply. Singles and those married but not to each other tend to be taught to keep their distance from each other especially those of the opposite sex because of the danger of an inappropriate relationship developing. This safeguarding is a necessary part of church life because our enemy is always going around like a roaring lion seeking who he may devour and we don’t want to give him the opportunity to do some devouring.

What happens if the answer to a woman’s problem is a male perspective or if the answer to a man’s problem is a female perspective? Because we are so independent and separate we tend not to think in gender complementary ways. Men and women think that if they have a problem they need to talk to someone of the same gender because they will be understood. We reason that because the opposite gender sees life from a completely different perspective how can they be of help but what if the understanding you need comes from that different perspective. The church tends to treat people as individual Christians and we major more on our individual independent relationship with God rather than our corporate gender relationship. When we do minister on the unity of the body it doesn’t usually include the complementary aspects of the differences between men and women. Because the fall happened rather quickly before the human race had developed beyond one partnership we have tended to ignore the original connection between them and the togetherness they were meant to live in whatever their marital status. If there had not been a fall the world would have been populated by men and women who would have known how to harness their unity as each man and each woman maximised the reason for their creation. God put both man and women in charge of the creation Gen 1:26Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” let them have dominion so the male dominated society never came from God but neither did one dominated by women either. It was to be a team effort, a joint enterprise. Finally, because God foreknew about our fall into sin He did make men and women capable of living successful single lives, some are even called to it but even if that becomes your portion you still need to allow for your need of the perspective of the opposite gender in your calling. God never intended us to be completely independent of each other even if we never get married.

Our Origin

The bible starts with God. Gen 1:1In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.. The Hebrew word for God is Elohim which means the totality of God including all three persons of the trinity. When God created Adam in His own likeness it was in the likeness of a God who is three in one, one in three, so he was a very unique creation Gen 1:26Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”. The word used for Man means the totality of man, including woman not just a single male person. This verse shows why the term ‘man’ can legitimately be used to describe men and women without demeaning woman and why the bible is not being sexist when it speaks of the human race of men and women as ‘mankind’. As we look at the verses in Genesis which describe God’s acts of creating us we discover that the translators of our English Bible used the same word ‘create’ for different words in the Hebrew. Gen 1:27 So God created (asah to make something out of something) man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created (bara to make something out of nothing) them.” Also in Gen 2:7 And the Lord God formed (yatsah to mould like a potter shaping a pot out of a lump of clay) man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; (plural lives) and man became a living being. The picture the Hebrew gives us is that God formed a male body created out of something, the dust of the ground, inhabited by a male spirit and soul and a female spirit and soul created out of nothing. So when God in Gen 1:26Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” gave them dominion over the earth He was not talking to two separate people standing side by side but to one being who was two people in one combining the characteristics of both genders which today we see separated into separate persons. Men are not from Mars and Women are not from Venus they are both from God. Originally we were created one, just like God is one and this is the foundation of our togetherness, the power of our harmony and the basis of our equality. We were deliberately designed to work together and complement each other in the daily tasks of being in charge of planet earth. The final touch to our creation was to give the female spirit and soul a body of her own made in such a way that they could become one as they multiplied the human race as God had commanded them in Gen 2:21 – 22And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.. God did not need to breathe into the nostrils of the female body to give her life because he had already created her spirit and soul so they just moved house from the male body to the female body. The act of creating the human race from something and nothing has never ceased since that day. God no longer uses dust and ribs but a baby’s body is still made out of something that already exists, the seed of a man and the egg of a woman and their spirits and souls are still made out of nothing, an everlasting brand new spirit and soul created by God and put into the body at the point of conception. This is why Christians believe that at the moment of conception the baby should be treated as if it is a whole person because it is. Although the highest expression of the togetherness of men and women is to be found in marriage we need to see that God designed all men and women as compliments to each other to work together in His kingdom according to the way He has made us.

Our Commonality

Being part of Man first means that everything that was spoken over Man was spoken over Woman and she was involved in everything he did because she was part of him before she became a separate person. Heb 7:9Even Levi, who receives tithes, paid tithes through Abraham, so to speak, is a verse which clearly shows us that from God’s perspective the human race is so connected with each other that people not yet born are involved in the actions of their ancestors. Starting as one means that men and women share God’s likeness, free will, headship of creation, servant hood, trust and obedience, love, care and protection

Both men and women desire to achieve, are competitive and take risks
Both men and women make freewill choices
Both men and women exercise authority and want to be in charge
Both men and women need to feel significance secure and have self esteem
Both men and women need to feel accepted
Both men and women love, care and protect
And because of sin both men and women can act in selfish domineering ways towards each other which was not part of the original plan.

Our Differences

Even though we share all these characteristics along with many others we also have unique differences which were brought about by the final touch to our creation by giving the female spirit and soul that was in Man a body of her own. In spite of the things we have in common men and women are very different, different in spirit soul and body and these differences are not accidental but have been deliberately planned to produce a harmony through diversity which is opposite of our current culture which is trying to make us all the same by destroying the male female creation of the human race.

A quick consideration of the universe including the earth shows us that everything that was created separate was designed to be part of one connected whole. There was nothing created that was meant to live in splendid isolation from everything else. The differences are there for the purpose of mutual support and that is the reason why men and woman as separate beings are the way they are. The harmony of our differences is for the purpose of reflecting the harmony of the differences of Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Men and women are like two computers loaded with the same programmes to be used to achieve the same goal which have completely different operating systems. They produce the same result but go about it in almost opposite ways. For men and women to be able to be the blessing they are meant to be to each other, especially when they get married, they have to learn what is important to each other and make a way for it which means learning to receive from each other what each offers to each other not try to make each other like themselves. Here is an illustration.

If a man wants to calm down after an upset of some kind he does it by switching off from it by giving his attention to something else. This is because his brain works in boxes, which gives him his single task orientation and provides the ability to switch from one thing to the other. The last thing he wants to do is to talk about the upset because it just stirs it up again. When a woman wants to calm down after an upset of some kind she wants to talk it out. This is because her brain is a wired network which gives her multitask orientation so she can’t switch off. Her release comes from talking so she needs someone to listen to her but not necessarily sort the issue out for her. Self interest turns this into a conflict because the woman tries to get the man to talk about his issue and he doesn’t want to. She gets annoyed with him because she knows talking it out works for her. When the woman wants to talk out her issue the man doesn’t want to listen. He gets annoyed because he considers talking without coming to a solution is a waste of his time, so now instead of calming down they are more upset because not only do they still have their issue they have another one as well, they are annoyed with each other. They both want to achieve the same goal of calming down but they do it in exactly opposite ways so silence is important to a man and talking is just as important to a woman. The bible tells us in 1 Cor 13 that love doesn’t insist on its own way. If we learnt to accommodate these and the many other differences we have while we were single we would deny the devil the ground he uses to destroy so many marriages. Another complication is the fact that self interest has hijacked our authority and sovereignty so instead of using our differences to bless each other we now use them to try to change each other for our own self-satisfaction.

Woman’s Liberation

The result of our falling into sin has meant that men and women now see themselves as stand-alone, independent persons from different origins. Like the animal creation where God created the males and females separately. This, combined with the miss-use of our authority, has led to the appalling treatment of women by men and on a lesser scale of men by women. This inevitably led to women’s liberation and feminism resulting in confusion over what it means to be male or female. Women’s liberation was desperately needed to put right a terrible social injustice and it is still needed in all parts of society. We wouldn’t want to reverse the social equalities that have been gained or stop any progress to continue to improve things. Although much good has come from it, it has had an unfortunate side effect because it has even more firmly established the idea that men and women are separate independent people who are in competition with each other for equal rights and fair treatment. This tends to deny the concept that we started life as one and that there is an equality from harmonising differences. 1 Cor 12:12 – 31. What is needed is not to wage a war against women’s liberation but to experience true liberation by recognising how God designed us to be one rather than trying to blur our unique differences in a quest for equality and produce a being who is neither male nor female. The biggest disaster for the human race is that this quest for independent equality has destroyed the concept that when men and women have sex they become one flesh because the one flesh concept comes from our original creation as one being two persons. If you say our origins are separate then our sexual relationship cannot make us one because we have never been one in the first place. This has opened the floodgates to the immorality of our modern way of life because we no longer believe that sexual behaviour and morality are connected. Today’s teaching about sex is really only focussed on health and mutual consent so no one is forced to do what they don’t like doing. Today there is a demonically inspired campaign to totally destroy gender difference but the Word of God which we are supposed to live by tells us that God deliberately made us male and female.