Relationships That Give Life

Freedom From Ourselves

Jesus prayed in John 17:20-23 “I do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through their word; that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that You sent Me and the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one: I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me.

When we are born again we are all born of the same Holy Spirit so by position we are one with each other and the trinity. Although we are made the righteousness of God in Christ by position, made a new creation, are in the Spirit and in harmony with each other we are still able to fall short of living out of this new life. As a result the world sees a flawed church where there is division, disagreements, bickering, criticism, gossip, and the heartache of broken relationships and marriages. When we deal with the issues that cause us to go to war with each other we nearly always deal with the problem of the moment by attempting to change people’s behavior patterns so they are more compatible with each other rather than confront the root issues and get a more permanent manifestation of change

What is Our Real Problem?

Everybody is born with deep inner longings to feel secure, have a sense of personal worth and believe they are important. Satisfying these emotional needs gives us a sense of fulfillment and well being. As we grew up we learnt what made us happy and what hurt us so we pursed the behavior that brought us a sense of well being and developed ways of coping with the things that hurt us. Some of the things that had a strong influence on us in our developing years were:

• The influence of our parentage and the other people who became part of our early years
• The cultural fads of the day that gave us a sense of belonging
• Our emotional responses to what happened to us
• The consequences of how much selfishness was developed in us
• The choices we made to pursue the things we either learnt or thought would bring us satisfaction
• The excellent, good, bad and sometimes disastrous decisions we have made around the issues of our life

All this input gave us a value system which drove us to form a life style which we thought would meet our inner longings to be secure, accepted and important. Our drive to meet these needs became the unconscious motivation of a lifestyle which we believed to be the way we should live. This explains to us why we all have important things and ways of living that are unique to us. Our natural self-centeredness caused us to believe that, because this lifestyle met our needs it was the right way for us to live. As a result we cling to it and are hostile towards anything or anyone who would try to take it away from us or make us change our value system. By this approach we have made our value system and resulting lifestyle a source of life to us. We then develop relationships with people who appear to support the way we live, we call it being compatible and keep at a distance those who don’t which we call being incompatible. Conflicts occur when we find out that someone who appeared to support us actually had their own hidden agenda.

How many times do you know people who move into a new house that doesn’t need any attention and say ‘I’ve got to change this, I can’t live with this, it isn’t me’. When we are feeling a bit off colour we even use the phrase ‘I don’t feel myself today’ or we may say in more favourable circumstances ‘this is really me’. What is happening here is that our external environment has either connected or not connected with the inner image of how we see ourselves and what brings us satisfaction. I once knew a woman who was very hard hearted and after conversion she had quite a traumatic time identifying herself as a much gentler character. Whenever she responded to a situation with kindness she felt uncomfortable and kept saying ‘but that’s not me’. As Christians our problem is that when we get converted and put into our new position in Christ from which our new life flows, it gets choked because we are still motivated to meet our need of a sense of well-being the way we used to do it. We just redirect meeting our needs from worldly things to Christian things so we make all our Christian service, our church group, the place where we get our sense of well-being instead of Christ Himself. An example of this is: if a person gets a sense of well-being from being accepted by a group, when they become a Christian even though they are in a new position they still continue to get their sense of well-being from a group, it is just a different group.

The Issue of Our Rights

What really causes our difficulty is the fact that the lifestyle we have developed which makes us feel good and meets our needs is based on a foundation of legitimate, justifiable human rights which originate in our being created in God’s image. We are taught that inner fulfillment, satisfaction, happiness, well being, security, personal worth etc. comes from being treated according to our human rights. Therefore we try to make all our relationships honour this way of life. Some of these rights are as follows:

• The right to be heard and be responded to with courtesy
• The right to open and honest communications
• The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately my business
• The right to live free from accusation, blame, criticism and judgment
• The right to respect, encouragement, goodwill and emotional support from others
• The right to live free from emotional and physical threats, angry outbursts and rage
• The right to not to be called by a name that devalues me
• The right to have my feelings and experiences acknowledged as real
• The right to be respectfully asked to do something rather than ordered or demanded

Civilized society is built on these rights and many more which actually come from the character of God. As a result we try to manipulate our external circumstances and relationships to give us those rights because when we are treated that way our emotional need to feel secure, have a sense of personal worth and believe we are important are met. Because our lifestyle and relationships have become a source of life for us when they are violated by someone we suffer what we call ‘being hurt’ and that produces some of the following negative emotions:

• Feeling lost and abandoned
• Feeling disconnected, confused, disorientated
• Feeling caught off guard
• Feeling pushed around – not allowed to be the person God created me to be
• Feeling the need to get away – escape from reality
• Feeling befuddled – frustrated – angry
• Feeling broken, devalued, rejected, used, abused, hurt, intimidated, controlled and manipulated

Here is an example of how this works. A church member tells the following story:

I really needed the pastor to listen to me and help me the other week but at the time he was busy with someone else. He said he would minister to me after he had finished so I hung about in the church. When he had finished he forgot me and rushed off somewhere to see someone else. That was two weeks ago. I expected better of him than that. He never seems to forget others but I have not heard from him. I feel rejected, abandoned and not valued and I am still struggling with my problem.

Because hurt leaves us feeling a measure of helplessness we overlay it with anger because it is an easier emotion to deal with. Anger gives us a feeling of power so we start to verbally attack the pastor’s character and withdraw our commitment to the church until he treats us better. We behave like this because we are the unconscious prisoner of our rights lifestyle. As far as we are concerned the pastor did not treat us in the way we believe we have a right to be treated so we believe there is nothing wrong with our attitude. We are completely justified in behaving the way we have. It is the pastor who is at fault so it is up to him to make amends. By this response what is the cause of our hurt, the pastors behavior or our response. Has not our response produced an element of self-harm by inflicting the resulting emotional pain on ourselves? Has the pastor really hurt us or is our response to his behavior been the culprit. Surely God’s way would be for us to immediately forgive the pastor for rushing off and forgetting us and for us to have simply phoned him up the next day and without any words of condemnation for his actions asked to see him again. We don’t even consider acting this way and may even get quite angry if we are told that as a Christian that is the way we should act.

How Offence Occurs

Taking offence is the curse of relationships and has been the best weapon the enemy has to destroy the powerful effect of the unity of the body of Christ. It keeps people from working together and gets leaders diverted from their divine role as they try to get people who have fallen out with each other back together again. Prov 18:19 shows how hard this can be. A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle. We get so easily set up, all that has to happen is for someone not to treat us the way we think we should be treated and because we look to being treated right as our source of life we perceive t that we have been personally attacked. We take offence and the relationship is broken. Because being treated right is a legitimate need we consider we are totally justified in being hurt and the self-centred inspired bitterness and resentment generated from the hurt and the ‘pity party’ that follows drives us apart while we passionately believe in our perfectly righteous position.

The issue of offence is this, you are absolutely right that your rights should not be violated but absolutely wrong in responding to the violation in the flesh. In an offence issue there are two people behaving badly not one. The one who takes offence is as wrong as the one who gives offence which is why Jesus told us not to take offence because we do not have the power to stop people being offensive only to control our response to it. Unfortunately most of us don’t know how to not take offence because we do not realize that taking offence is really caused by our dependence on being treated according to our legitimate rights as a source of life. Taking offence is a very self-centered action. This doesn’t mean we have to put up with people’s offensive behavior but we do need to deal with it without taking offence. Mat 5: 23 – 24“So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God. and Mat 18: 15 – 19“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. “I tell you the truth, whatever you forbid on earth will be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven. “I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you.. Our power to respond in the way we should comes from the forgiving attitude we learned about in the last chapter. The purpose of Human Rights is to give us a foundation for how we are to treat other people not how we are to get them to treat us. To be able to overcome the problem of taking offence we need to understand why feeling secure, important and having a sense of personal value is so important to our well-being and how God intends us to meet these needs.

The Source of Our Needs

The source of our needs which drives our lifestyles goes right back to the beginning when we were created in God’s image. Being made in God’s image gave man attributes, that is, things that he was because he was in God’s image. Man’s relationship with God sustained those attributes. While man and woman walked and communicated with their Creator on a daily basis from a position of head and ruler of creation they were secure, important and had a sense of personal value. Notice that although the Bible says that God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh man was only created on the sixth day. Man actually rested on the first day and worked the next six rather than working six days and resting on the seventh. It is only the body and soul that needs rest after work. That first day of rest established in their hearts that God alone was their life source and that all their attributes and abilities only functioned properly as they remained in relationship with their Creator. Our first parents were created beings living in a relationship with God that gave them a sense of security, personal value and a sense of importance which gave them all the fulfillment and satisfaction they needed.

The Reason for Our Needs

This all changed when the devil came along and deceived our first parents by using partial truth to disguise a lie. Gen 3 v 1 – 5The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the Lord God had made. One day he asked the woman, “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?” “Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,” the woman replied. “It’s only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, ‘You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.’” “You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman. “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.” tells the tale of this tragic event. He gave them the idea that to live by making their own decisions from their own understanding and not live in obedience to God would give them a much better life. The purpose of the temptation was to cut their relationship with God so that they only had themselves as their life source and he did this by making it look as if God was not as good as He appeared to be. His cunning ploy was that they should listen to him because what he was offering was something much better than what they had. They doubted God’s goodness and decided that they should look after themselves. They made their choice about the offer based only on their conclusions and the moment they acted on those conclusions they died. Immediately their attributes became their needs. Now they had to produce their own sense of fulfilment and well-being by their own efforts. Now they would have to produce a lifestyle that would give them a sense of security, importance and personal value. The Human Rights movement had begun. This is true for every human being ever born and is the root motivation for our behavior. There is however a different emphasis for men and women. A man needs to feel important more than he needs to be secure which he gets from feeling he is capable of dealing with life’s issues whereas a woman needs to be secure more than she needs to be important which is why she always wants to control her environment so she can feel safe even if she is involved in taking risks. They both need to have a sense of personal value which the man gets from feeling capable and the woman gets from feeling secure. This is the real battle of the sexes.

The Result of Having Needs Instead of Attributes

A study of man’s early life sees the result of this catastrophe. Empires sprang up, people banded themselves together for security, dominated each other to feel more important and tried to outdo each other for a sense of personal value. We all come into the world with these three needs and the selfish disposition to meet them. Following that first lie, with the help of the devil, we have built up a whole world system to meet these needs without God. It has resulted in all the misery which surrounds us because it is a selfish way of living. Why do we get so easily upset when people criticise us or don’t appreciate our efforts? Because we are looking to other people’s approval for our sense of personal value. Why do we stubbornly resist change in life? Because we are looking to our lifestyle for our security. Why do we get involved in power struggles and petty jealousies with other people? Because we are looking to our position in society to meet our need to feel important. When we become saved the problem doesn’t go away because Christians are so reluctant to change their life source because they have to let go of a way of life they have become dependent on to meet their innermost needs. Although saved they remain in the prison of satisfying their innermost needs from their life style even though it has become a Christian lifestyle, instead of meeting them from God Himself. The simple truth is that we were never meant to look to anyone or anything else but God alone to be the source of our life to meet the needs and longings of our heart.

The Solution to Our Needs

God has life in Himself and because we are made in His image we also have life in ourselves. The difference between us and our creator is that God’s life is self sustaining whereas our life is dependent on our relationship with Him. Even an unbeliever’s life is sustained by God even though they don’t acknowledge Him. The Bible makes it clear that the whole point and purpose of what God has done in Jesus is to connect us to Himself rather than a belief system or works of service John 17:3And this is the way to have eternal life—to know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, the one you sent to earth.. Two hymn writers have captured this sentiment very well.

My goal is God Himself, not joy, nor peace, Nor even blessing, but Himself, my God; ‘Tis His to lead me there—not mine, but His—At any cost, dear Lord, by any road.

Father of Jesus, love’s Reward! What rapture it will be Prostrate before Thy throne to lie, and gaze, and gaze on Thee!

The most glorious experience of heaven will be to simply feast our eyes on the person of God; it is a joy now but that is nothing to what it is going to be one day when we see him face to face.

God the Father gives us security because we are unconditionally accepted by Him. God the Son gives us personal value because we are loved for ourselves not for what we do and the Holy Spirit gives us a sense of being somebody of importance because through Him we are once again lifted up to being head of creation and made competent to do whatever we need to do in His service. Ps 62 and Ps 23 give us a picture of the solid foundation which produces our sense of wellbeing. Our source of life must be God Himself because He alone is able to fulfill our need of a sense of well being.

The entrance of sin has made us selfish so from the day we were born we have produced a self-centred lifestyle which we have used as our source of life to meet our sense of well being. The answer is to exchange our source of life to God Himself so that our relationship with Him meets our innermost needs. This gives us the one thing we really need to be able to live a victorious Christian life, freedom from ourselves. He is the one who will treat us according to our human rights then we will be able to stand when people don’t treat us as they should. The love of God flowing through us will enable us to shoulder our responsibility to treat all people according to their human rights without the need to be forced to do it by legislation. Then we will be obeying the command to be ‘imitators of God’. Jesus is a living example of how a person behaves when they are mistreated when God is the source of their life. Above all we need to stop giving life to self by living in the death to self that happened when we were born again. Rom 6:1-14 says it all.