Marriage That Give Life

All Change

Just like God brought together a perfectly matched Adam and Eve for a joint venture with Him so He continues to bring perfectly matched men and women together to be husband and wife in there own joint venture with Himself and just like Adam and Eve we mess up because we make exactly the same mistake that they made. We allow ourselves to be controlled by self interest Gen 3:1-13. Concerning this event Paul writes in 1 Tim 2 v 14And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression. that it was Eve rather than Adam who was deceived but before we run away with the idea that this verse allows us to blame woman for our downfall into sin it rather reveals that Adam was far more responsible than she. He had been told by God directly about the consequences of eating the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge and Evil whereas Eve had only heard about it through Adam. This made her more vulnerable to deception which is why the serpent went for her first, she was the softer target. What should she have done when she was tempted? As Adams ‘helper’ she should have enabled him to take his place of headship by deferring to him, even taking the initiative by insisting he sort it out. This is the legitimate initiative a wife can take. She had no business in taking the lead herself because he wasn’t doing what he should, it was not her place. This is amplified in 1 Cor 11 v 3But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. where Paul declares that as God is the head of Christ so Christ is the head of man and man is the head of woman. He adds a further comment in 1 Tim 2 v 13For Adam was formed first, then Eve. where he says that the order of man and women comes from the fact that Adam was made first.

When God created Eve as a gift for Adam to help him in his headship of earth He brought her to him and placed her into Adam’s care which included being her protector. This is another reason why Adam was more responsible for the fall than Eve for he completely failed her when he let her lead. He should have immediately come to her rescue by taking over the situation, stopping her from entering into a dialogue with the serpent. He would have then been the head God had created him to be and ensured that they both continued to trust and obey God. This would have kept sin and death from entering the human race. What did he do? Nothing. We could say that the failure in the Garden of Eden was the result of a sin of commission and a sin of omission. Eve took an initiative that she should not have taken and Adam failed to do what he should have done. His sin of omission paved the way for her sin of commission which makes it the more serious weakness. Evil prospers when good men do nothing. Just doing nothing about considering our eternal destiny is the reason why many will be lost forever. Husbands often incur the wrath of their wife because of what they don’t do rather than what they do. How many times have you heard a wife say to her husband don’t just stand there do something. What was the result of this failure to act? Immediately God’s words came true, death came in and the rest is history as they say. Instead of the intended harmony they became enemies Gen 3:12 – 13Then the man said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.” And the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” which eventually developed into Cain killing Able in a fit of jealous rage and ending with the flood.

By his lack of action Adam betrayed Eve’s trust in his capability to be head and by her action Eve denied Adam the opportunity to be head which has had a devastating effect on all their offspring. From this point on woman is born with a deep rooted distrust of man and an unwillingness to submit to his headship while at the same time needing man so she can fulfill her role as his help meet. Man is born with a deep rooted need to prove he is capable which leaves him unwilling to reveal he needs the help of woman. He is also born with a reluctance to take on the responsibilities of headship and is more than willing to acquiesce in his wife taking the lead to get a quiet life. Self-interest has also hijacked the authority God gave to men and women which was never intended to be used against each other and set them on a collision course as each tries to control the other so they can meet their own needs on their own terms. What about me?’ or ‘what about what I want?’ are the frequent emotional cries of our hearts when we feel left out or under pressure to conform to our partners wishes. Our real problem is the self-interest that lies in the depths of our soul causing us to feel that we can’t fully trust our partner so we have to maintain a measure of control to ensure we won’t lose out. Woman now cannot fully trust man’s willingness to care of her, often with good reason, so she uses her freewill to take charge so she can establish her own security and meet her own needs. Man who has compromised his capability in her eyes because he failed to honour the trust woman placed in him to keep her safe uses his authority to enforce his headship over her attempt to take charge in an effort to re-establish his own sense of headship and restore his own sense of capability. Because of our creation man has a deep rooted need to be head of his world and woman has a deep rooted need to be the help meet to his world because that is the way we were made but the fall has turned the original design upside down so what should have been a glorious harmony became the first dysfunctional family which has set husbands and wives in conflict with each other ever since. Gen 3 v 16b Then He said to the woman…….. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” John Eldridge has written a book about marriage called ‘Love and War’ which is a perfect description of what the marital relationship has become. People, who really love each other, get on well together yet at the same time, in many different ways, are in conflict with each other. During an interview with a couple who had been married for 60 years the interviewer asked them if they had ever considered divorce. They replied with a twinkle in their eyes divorce never murder often.

In the garden before the fall Eve was secure all the time she lived by trusting Adam’s leadership and Adam was significant all the time he lived by being in submission to God. In this condition there was no conflict between them just the perfect harmony of living the way they were designed to live. Now man is born with the need to prove he is capable and he does it by enforcing his position on his environment by dominating it to make sure things are done the right way (his way). Woman is born with the need to be secure through trust so she does it by seeking to get her environment under her control so she trusts herself instead of submitting to God and her husband. Her attitude is ‘I am not going to submit to my husband until I have asserted sufficient measure of control over him to make sure things are done the right way’ (her way). This is humourously portrayed in the following comments often heard in conversations. Wives are ‘She who must be obeyed’ and if the husband gets it wrong we say ‘if at first you don’t succeed do it the way your wife told you in the first place’. They might be amusing but many a true word is often spoken in jest. Sin has brought the differences which were meant to work together into conflict which is made worse by the fact that the help-meet is the more sensitive part of the marriage. The more sensitive one is likely to be right more often than the less sensitive one but this does not give the more sensitive one the right to take charge and be head of the home, neither does her pointing out the weakness in your plan constitute an attack on your headship. The wife attempts to control her husband because deep down she feels he is not quite up to the job. Because his lack of sensitivity and past failures has proved beyond all shadow of a doubt to her that he is not up to the job. When she acts this way she is in fact taking authority over a man which is not God’s design for her because when you insist on your husband submitting to your way so you can be secure you have usurped his position and made yourself the head of the home. The husband on the other hand is often oversensitive about his headship so he sees her input as a criticism of his capability to lead the home because he interprets his wife’s control, correctly, as a lack of trust in him so he responds by trying to enforce his headship by ruling over his wife and forcing her into submission to him. I heard a story recently that a husband forbade his wife to speak to him for three days because she pointed out a flaw in his intended action. How ridiculous. Some husbands will deliberately do something differently to the way he knows his wife would like it to be done even if he knows his wife’s way is better so he rejects her calling to be his helper. This situation is not helped by the media especially in advertising and comedy shows. Men are so often portrayed as immature, incompetent people whereas women are portrayed as the only ones who have grown up and know how to do things. Although it was a very funny show ‘Some Mothers do have them’ portrayed a very ungodly picture of married life. Many Christian marriages that appear to be well adjusted are often based on a developed compromise tolerating a measure of control and ruling instead of dying to self so there is no controlling and ruling which is the way God intended it to be. Control by wives and ruling by husbands out of a fear of loss is part of the fall and the new life God has given us in Jesus has provided a way for us to live free from it in our marriages.

If a husband is leading his family in a godly way he will invite his wife and if appropriate the children, in the decisions he makes. It is her greater sensitivity that makes her opinion his most valuable asset in the decision making process. The wise council of a wife has saved many a man from disaster. The decision then becomes a joint decision for the welfare of all who are part of his family. Many wives who appear rebellious against their husbands are not actually rebellious against him they are trying to cope with his uncaring selfishness for the sake of her family.

Getting it Right

This is the background that has led to the serious misinterpretation of those scriptures about the authority of men and the submission of woman in marriage and the church and the just rise of women’s demand for equality of position in the church society. After all they were created socially equal in the beginning. Women have been denied their place of ministry in the body of Christ by a very male dominated exposition of 1 Tim 2 v 11 – 14 Let a woman learn in silence with all submission. And I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, but to be in silence. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression. This passage by its own context does not mean that women are not to be allowed to share the word or give timely council. The true interpretation is to be found in the events surrounding the fall. The ‘keep silence’ is about verbally pushing to get our own way established when God’s way has already been clearly established. Eve should not have entered into a dialogue with the serpent. She should have kept silent because it was through the dialogue that the serpent was able to deceive her. Through the dialogue the serpent was able sow seeds of doubt in her mind about the trustworthiness of God. If she had kept silent and never entered into the discussion the fall would not have happened because the serpent would not have been able to access her mind. The dialogue was not necessary because God’s will had already been established. The story of Abraham, Sarah and Hagar over the birth of Ishmael and Isaac (Gen 16) is another example. Although they could not possibly have known the consequences of Sarah pushing to get an heir by the custom of the day of using a hand maiden as a surrogate mother that action is the reason for all the hatred between Jews and Arabs today.

On the domestic scene constant criticism and nagging betrays wives because it is a verbalisation of their lack of trust, you don’t need to nag God if you trust Him and you don’t need to nag you husband if you trust him. Husbands hate with a passion being corrected or nagged especially in public because it calls their capability into question and gives rise to feelings of inferiority so they respond negatively and often aggressively by enforcing their rule in the home to shut them up This locks the couple into a cycle of control and ruling which will eventually drive them apart. 1 Pet 3:1Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, is how the cycle can be broken. Keep silent, trust God and win without a word being spoken. It is the same with teaching, the teaching that is forbidden to women is the type of teaching where the teacher takes up a position of authority over the student because of their superior knowledge. Because a believer is indwelt by Jesus the ‘living Word’ then teaching in the body of Christ is different to teaching in the world because you already have what you are about to learn before you start. 1 Jn 2 v 27But the anointing which you have received from Him abides in you, and you do not need that anyone teach you; but as the same anointing teaches you concerning all things, and is true, and is not a lie, and just as it has taught you, you will abide in Him. shows us that we don’t need anyone to teach us as if we are ignorant we just need someone who has a teaching gift to illuminate the Word for us and reveal to us what we have already been given when we were born again. This scripture is for a woman’s blessing to protect them from deception and being a vehicle for the world, the flesh and the devil to enter the relationship but husbands need to realise they must create an environment in their marriage that gives security to their wives so they can trust it. So occasionally ask for directions and read the instructions.

Authority in Marriage

We need to say a word about authority because we still have a tendency to work the way the world works in spite of Jesus words in Mk 10 v 41And when the ten heard it, they began to be greatly displeased with James and John. where He quite clearly says that authority in the kingdom of God is not to be used the way the world uses it. The authority structure in the beginning was that Adam’s authority to rule over the earth was derived from his submission to God’s command not to eat the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and Eve’s authority to rule over the earth with Adam was derived from her submission to Adam who had told her about God’s command concerning the tree. Ruling over the earth was based on the mutual submission that existed between God, Adam and Eve and in that place they were free of all conflict. Godly authority among Christians is based on ‘submission to’ not ‘dominion over’ so if the wife relinquishes her control and gives her husband his position of headship in the marriage so that he is free to exercise his leadership without having to fight her for it she will be free to be his ‘help meet’ and be in the place of her greatest influence. Behind every successful husband is a good wife, not because she knows better than he does and he follows her lead but because she knows how to support him and take the right kind of initiative when he is going off track. That is a much better strategy than constant nagging. God will show us how to support our husband when he is acting like an idiot. A husband will usually receive the input of a wife he knows is not trying to control him and a wife will usually be willing to trust the lead of a man she knows is not trying to rule her. In my book on ‘Relationships that give Life’ there is a whole chapter of the correct use of authority.

The Real Power of a Godly Wife

As we study the way that God addresses husbands and wives we discern a change in the order he deals with them. Could this change of order be saying that Eve by taking the wrong initiative in the beginning opened the door to sin and her descendants are still deceived by thinking they must go on taking that initiative to put their husband’s failures right so the scripture asks the wife to start the restoration process by taking the right initiative and give her husband his rightful place as the head of the home? It is worth waiting on the Lord as you compare the disobedience of Eve with the obedience of Mary the mother of Jesus. Did Mary restore to womankind what Eve lost?

Before the fall God addressed Adam first and Adam informed Eve, Adam led and Eve followed. During the dialogue after the fall God changed the order in the way He addresses husband and wife. In Gen 3 v 8 – 19 He starts by speaking to Adam ……. Then the LORD God called to Adam v9…… and the Lord God said to the woman v13. When He finishes dealing with the serpent He goes back to Eve rather than Adam first. To the woman He said v16 then to Adam he said v17. When we compare 1 Cor 11:3 – 5But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonors his head. But every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head, for that is one and the same as if her head were shaved. Titus 2:1 – 5But as for you, speak the things which are proper for sound doctrine: that the older men be sober, reverent, temperate, sound in faith, in love, in patience; the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things— that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed. Eph 5:21 – 33, Col 3:18 – 25, 1 Pet 3:1 – 7 we find that when they address the order of the marriage they address the husband first and the wife second but when they address the response of the people involved in the order they address the wife first and the husband second. This change puts a powerful key into the hands of wives to produce a Godly change in a Godly way. The devil went for Eve first to destroy God’s order by getting her to take charge of the situation because her husband wasn’t acting as he should have done and the serpent still goes on doing the same thing today, using the same method and the same thought patterns. He still incites wives to believe that their husbands are not competent enough to be head of the home and that she must take charge so you won’t die but save the situation. Because of a wife’s basic lack of trust they are easily deceived into falling for this lie so they will save the family from his failures by making sure he does things right. She is deceived into thinking she must take charge to stop him getting it wrong by constantly telling him how to do things or by criticising him every time he gets it wrong in the vain hope he will get it right if he will just listen to her but just as it was in the beginning she will only bring death even thought she means to bring life. A wife destroys her husband’s capability to be head of the home by constantly pointing out to him where he is wrong, she destroys him with her mouth which is why 1 Pet 3:1 – 7 was written. The last part of this scripture gives us the root cause for this destructive cycle, ‘and are not afraid with any terror’. Wives fear abandoning themselves to their husband’s headship because they observe quite correctly his obvious failures to give her the security she needs but as hard as it may be to accept a lack of trust in your husband betrays a lack of trust in God. A husband’s failures are more visible and obvious than a wife’s failures because at first glance a wife’s failures do not appear to be failures at all. When a wife takes over because her husband selfishly pursues his own agenda it is seen to be a good and necessary thing for the safety of the family and not the failure that it really is. The husband also has his own issues in this matter. When God tells Adam the consequences of his disobedience He says that it was because he listened to your wife. We need to realise that it is as hard for a wife to shut up as it is for a man to speak up.

This causes us to face the considerable challenge of how to deal with the poor performance of our partner which really needs improving. We have already seen that our instinctive reaction to being on the receiving end of our partner’s poor performance, which is to put them right, does not bring the improvement we are seeking but rather is more likely to confirm them in their poor performance. The answer is honour the position of your partner and TRUST GOD.