Marriage That Give Life

Achieving Harmony in Marriage

Eph 4:16 says from whom the whole body joined and knit together by what every joint supplies according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love. From this we could say about marriage ‘from whom husbands and wives joined together by what each supplies, according to the effective working by which each partner does their share, causes growth of the marriage for the edifying of itself in love’. The woman was given to the man as a gift, who as his equal was a perfectly suitable helper fully equipped to serve and support him in his role as head of affairs on earth. In return he would care for her, cherish her, honour her, protect her and welcome all her input into his God given role as his equal so that together they would rule as one, they were so made to work together that neither of them was meant to go it alone. God has designed marriage so that each receives what the other lovingly offers rather than each trying to selfishly take what they think they need from each other for their own satisfaction.

I have always wanted to go to Berlin. I suppose that being a war baby and growing up with the cold war I was interested to see first hand the places that have featured so much in my early years. In my mind I had decided that I would need at least a week to visit all the places I wanted to see and although I had made many attempts to get there it had never happened. For my 70th birthday my wife and children conspired to send me there but all they could offer was to travel early on day one, have one whole day and travel back late on day three. When they told me I wasn’t that enthusiastic with their plan because I didn’t think it would fulfil my idea of what I thought I needed. As I thought about it the Holy Spirit began to focus my attention on the fact that even though I was convinced their offer was seriously inadequate at least their love had offered something. The more I looked at the love that had made an attempt to offer something to fulfil my dream the more I was willing to receive what had been offered because I didn’t want to hurt the love that had inspired the offer. I arranged to go with my youngest daughter and make the best of it. Because I let go of my perception of what I thought I needed and received what love had given God made sure that all my desires came true. We had a great time and I saw all that I wanted to see. If I had kept to my self interested perceptions my dreams would not have been fulfilled. Fulfilment in marriage is achieved by receiving what love gives not manipulating our partner to give what our self interest has decided they should give. Like the woman with the jar of oil that God multiplied to feed her, her son and Elijah for three years so your heavenly Father will multiply all that husbands and wives lovingly give to each other even if it appears inadequate. With Him little with love is more than enough.

Just as Adam was supposed to use his freewill to rule the creation for God so Eve was to use her freewill to help Adam so she could be an equal part in their rulership. As two separate beings made in God’s image they were both to be committed to the joint enterprise of ruling creation making their individual freewill and personal walk with God fully available to each other. Because both were to be focussed on the purpose of God and the wellbeing of each other harmony, peace and power was the result. This is the pattern for our marriages, We are to use our free will to look after each other by combining the uniqueness of our individuality to fulfil the ministry that God has call us to achieve. If however we follow the path of self interest as independent people then the door is open for division and conflict which may eventually lead to divorce. Marriage is not a power sharing partnership with equal rights based on compromise and tolerance to accommodate each person’s independent ambitions. Husbands and wives are not supposed to fight each other for their fair share of the cake no matter how God inspired they think their ambitions are. They may negotiate over the practicalities of who does what in the daily tasks of their life together but there is no negotiating over who is head and who is helper. The power of their joint rule over creation was based on Adam being 100% the head and Eve being 100% the helper and God hasn’t changed His mind. The wellbeing of our marriage works on the same principle.

They failed when they stopped living in their God appointed roles and used their freewill to do their own thing and follow the pathway of self interest. They were conned into believing that going it alone and pursuing their own path would give them a better life, instead, all they got was death and the curse of sin. Self interest is the murderer of many marriages. God, one in three, three in one, Father Son and Holy Spirit, make available all their resources to each other so that they work together in perfect harmony but it is clear from scripture that each one has a specific role in the Godhead which they never deviate from. The question is, did you go, or are you going to a wedding service to allow you to legally live together, legitimately satisfy your desire for sex, children and have someone to support your personal ambitions or were you married as God intended you to be? Many marriages end up in divorce because the couples went to a wedding but didn’t get married because they never let go of their self interest and independence.

Servant Kings

When He washed his disciples feet Jesus showed us that God is a Servant-King John 13:1 – 5. God is both, the supreme ruler, King of kings and Lord of lords, of everything that He has created but this rulership is manifested by being the greatest servant of all that He has created. The Son of Man came not to be ministered to but to minister. These two characteristics are blended together in perfect harmony as He lives His life as God, the Servant King. When God created men and women He took these two parts of His character, kingship and servant-hood, and built them first into one being and then separated them into two beings made in such a way that they could become one again as they married, had sexual intimacy and lived in fellowship with Him and each other. As individuals husbands and wives are servant kings in their own right because of their individual walk with God. The husband as king-servant is given the role of head of the home for the welfare of all who are part of it and his wife as servant-king is given the role of being his helper in that headship so that as servant kings together they rule as one. Into this God kind of marriage children are born where they have role models that show sons how to be men and husbands and daughters how to be women and wives. This prepares them to be fit to be joined in marriage to their God appointed husband or wife to multiple the human race with godly people. Each succeeding marriage being better than the one before it.

Honour

Psalm 8:3-8 and Heb 2:7You have made him a little lower than the angels; You have crowned him with glory and honor, And set him over the works of Your hands. says that when God gave us the position as head of creation and put the earth under our control He bestowed great honour on us. We have been given honour by being made in the image of God and being given the highest position on earth. Even in our fallen state we continue to bear that image and hold that position and God still honours us because of it. Our honour comes from who we are not how we perform. The Bible shows us that the attitude husbands and wives are to manifest toward each other are not dependent on their performance of the role. It doesn’t say wives obey your husband if he is worthy of your obedience and it doesn’t say husbands love your wives if they are worthy of your love. What makes a husband worthy of his wife’s obedience is his position as head of the home not his performance of the position and what makes a wife worthy of her husband’s love is her position as his helper not her performance of it. This again is where the church has allowed the world to corrupt its interpretation of the Bible because the world says that you must earn honour by your performance.

What does it mean to give honour? It is to recognise the worth of the position the person occupies not the worth of their performance so in marriage husbands and wives are meant to honour the positions each have taken on. The wife gives honour and worth to her husband when she honours her position of ‘help meet’ by giving herself 100% to the responsibilities of this position which she took on by getting married. The husband gives honour and worth to his wife when he honours his position of ‘headship’ by giving himself 100% to the responsibilities of this position which he took on by taking a wife to himself. Husbands receive honour and worth from their wife by her reverence, respect and obedience to his headship not his behaviour, wives receive honour and worth from their husbands when he receives her as his help-meet not her behaviour and makes her an integral part of everything he does. Solving the issues of marriage comes more from honouring our divine positions than it does from focusing on the issues and behaviour that needs changing. Change comes first by honouring your position in the relationship and is the foundation that makes talking about specific issues more productive.

Eph 5:33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

1 Pet 3:7 Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honour to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.

1 Cor 11:3 – 5 But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonours his head. But every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonours her head, for that is one and the same as if her head were shaved.

Dishonour comes out of our mouths by our criticism of our partner’s performance especially to others. This produces hurt from feelings of a lack of worth which stirs up bitterness and resentment and keeps the couple in conflict with each other and will eventually drive them apart. Because our wife is the more sensitive partner it is easy to see how, desiring a spiritual man, they fall into the trap of verbalising their disappointment with his performance in an effort to bring about change but being his help meet does not include being his conscience. Criticism conveys a lack of value to the one criticised. James 3:16For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. shows us what a hornets nest can be stirred up. If you want the Holy Spirit to make changes don’t try to do His work for Him. The husband does the same thing to his wife when he criticises her performance of her role so they just hold each other in the prisons of their poor performance. Remember Jesus told us to cast the small splinter out of our own eye before we start trying to sort out our partner’s larger splinter. Any communication about things that need changing has to be from honouring and respecting both ours and our partner’s position. This is crucial when bringing up children for they will become who we are because they catch our lifestyle like a contagious disease. Father’s will be honoured and respected by their children when they see their father honouring and respecting their mother. Mother’s will be honoured and respected by their children when they see their mother honouring and respecting their father.

Position and Performance

There is a passage in Rom 13:1 – 8 where Paul tells us to be subject to the governing powers. I have always found this difficult to understand because the powers he was talking about were anti Christian. What did he mean? When God set up society he gave us positions of government so that there would be order and protection for those who were part of it. Paul is saying that we are to be subject to the position not necessarily to the behaviour of the person fulfilling the position. This means that if we are in dispute with a person who is in a God ordained position in society we are to do it in such a way that always honours the position. When He gave society the institution of marriage and family he gave positions to the people who entered these relationships so when we get married we enter an already existing divinely appointed position including how it is to be fulfilled. We are not at liberty to make up our own rules so we can live our married life the way that suits us This may be a bit of a shock to us. We don’t reverse the roles just because it suits us. Eph 5:22 – Eph 6:9 covers the positions of husbands wives children including masters servants and how they are to be fulfilled. A poor performance does not relieve us of God’s command to honour the divinely appointed position Acts 23:1 – 6 shows us Paul living by his own teaching in Rom 13:1 – 8. Then Paul, looking earnestly at the council, said, “Men and brethren, I have lived in all good conscience before God until this day.” And the high priest Ananias commanded those who stood by him to strike him on the mouth. Then Paul said to him, “God will strike you, you whitewashed wall! For you sit to judge me according to the law, and do you command me to be struck contrary to the law?” And those who stood by said, “Do you revile God’s high priest?” Then Paul said, “I did not know, brethren, that he was the high priest; for it is written, ‘You shall not speak evil of a ruler of your people.’” Here is Paul apologising to the high priest for the way he spoke to him just because of his position.

In the world where all relationships are based on performance people who perform badly are attacked and and hounded out of their position. Those with a grievance often form a campaign to get the person replaced by someone who they think will treat them better. This is not the way God’s kingdom works. God does not sanction this way of dealing with the mis-use of position, much to our dismay He will even defend the person in the position. In Gen 12:2 – 12 Pharaoh in ignorance took Sarai into his court because of Abram’s deception. God judged pharaoh not Abram who had led him astray. This seems a bit unjust towards pharaoh who sinned in ignorance but God defended Abram and protected Sarai because God had just put them in a position in His plan of Salvation even though they were behaving like the heathen and Pharaoh acted in innocence. Paul says in Rom 8:31 – 34What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. that because of the position that God has put us into when we received his salvation no charge made against us will stand yet we do plenty of things wrong. It is the position that Christ is now in that makes intersession for us so that no charge can be brought against us even when we behave badly. So it is in marriage. It is the position of husband and wife as a Christian that does not allow us to attack them on the grounds of their behaviour and it is their position as a Christian that guides us in how we deal with behaviour that needs correcting. Confrontation without condemnation is the way to deal with marital issues and the way is spelled out to us in the story of King Saul and David

Saul and David

Saul was appointed king of Israel by God at the request of the people 1 Samuel Ch 8 – 11. It started well but Saul was rebellious towards God’s ways and eventually lost his kingdom 1 Sam 15:26 – 29But Samuel said to Saul, “I will not return with you, for you have rejected the word of the Lord, and the Lord has rejected you from being king over Israel.”

And as Samuel turned around to go away, Saul seized the edge of his robe, and it tore. So Samuel said to him, “The Lord has torn the kingdom of Israel from you today, and has given it to a neighbor of yours, who is better than you. And also the Strength of Israel will not lie nor relent. For He is not a man, that He should relent.”. After this encounter Saul became a king without a kingdom and David had a kingdom without a crown because God did not immediately take the crown off Saul’s head and put it on David’s. Even though he knew he was the chosen anointed king of Israel David submitted himself to the rule of Saul as best he could and refused to take the law into his own hands and remove Saul from his position even when he had the opportunity 1 Sam 24:5 – 15. As you read this passage look at the respectful language David uses when he speaks to Saul. He calls Saul ‘the Lord’s anointed’ ‘master’ ‘my lord the king’ and he stoops down with his face to the ground as he addresses him. We see quite clearly here that although Saul was definitely in the wrong David still honoured Saul because he was still a king even though his kingdom had been taken away from him and given to David. However David did not let Saul walk all over him. He confronted Saul with his behaviour but from a position of respect for the position king Saul was still occupying. When Saul died David was grief stricken and when the messenger made out as if he had killed Saul when he took his crown to give to David, expecting David to be pleased, it so displeased him that he had the messenger executed. There is no place for husbands and wives to speak evil of one another especially to others because of a poor performance.